Fanny Le Feck, from Foxrock, is a

20 something model/socialite

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The Golden Pedal by Fanny Le Feck is a fictional story. Episodes 1-16 of the first series are currently available. The first chapter is at the bottom of the page and the story runs upwards, with the latest episodes published at the top.

(16) Time to get poisonous

Whilst soaring through the sky on the Flying Palace, I spent most of the time pondering over my dilemma. The oyster chocolates that Sugar Daddy has ordered especially for my trip were rather delicious, and they seemed to help my thought process.

Getting my own back on Sahara for stealing my limelight was the main reason I was flying to Monaco. I wanted to take a snapshot on my iPhone of me and Kev sunbathing on the yacht. Then I could send it to The Daily Digest and it would surely make the front page and be the biggest scandal of the month. Maybe even the biggest scandal of the whole year. It was the perfect way to showup witchface, and she wouldn't be able to cling onto Kev anymore in an attempt to raise her own profile. Everyone would be talking about Fanny's secret trip to Monaco. Sahara would be old news. 

It was all going swimmingly well until I had been presented with this new opportunity. And boy was it an opportunity. Attending the film festival Gala Ball would surely catapult me to international fame and I could plaster the red carpet pictures all over my facebook page. That would make Sahara so jealous. The only drag was that I would have to go with Sugar Daddy. Although I love Sugar Daddy, I don't really like to be pictured with him in public. Daddy and Step Daddy get a bit cross. They know we are friends, but they wouldn't like to think of us as a couple.

So, I had to choose between getting a picture with Kev on the yacht in Monaco and posing on the red carpet with Sugar Daddy. The red carpet was really too good an opportunity to miss, but I had come so far in my plan to windup Sahara, that it seemed a bit of a shame to throw it all away now. It was SUCH a dilemma.

Then suddenly, like a bolt of lightning, I came up with a solution.

I needed to go to the film festival, with Kev!

It was the perfect answer and it would still cause wicthface to have a complete jealous breakdown. We could turn up as a couple and not only would it spark a national frenzy back home, but I would also still get my picture in every international magazine. 

There was just one slight problem....I needed to get Sugar Daddy to give me the tickets. I had a feeling this would prove tricky as he has spent YEARS queuing for his turn at the Gala Ball of the Monaco Film Festival. He was hardly likely to let Kev replace him in his moment of glory.

Then, out of the blue, another bolt of lightning struck. Wow...two in one day! The oyster chocolates were certainly maximising my brain power.  

I needed to poison Sugar Daddy. Just temporarily... but enough to make sure that he wouldn't be able to go to the Gala Ball. I also needed to make sure that he couldn't bear to let down the most beautiful Fanny in the whole wide world, so that he would pass the tickets on.

I would make sure he knew how excited I was at the prospect of attending. We could have a special romantic breakfast on the morning of the Gala Ball, with Bubbles and shellfish.

That is when I would strike.

Swapping fresh shellfish with manky shellfish that was a few days old was definitely the easiest way to poison someone. It would seem totally genuine. Then, I could spend the whole day getting ready, prancing around the yacht with great excitement. He would gradually feel more and more ill and by the afternoon he would be bent double with stomach cramps.

I, meanwhile, would be heartbroken. Of course I would offer not to go and instead stay with him by his sick bed. He would see me looking amazing (as always), and I would be all dressed up with nowhere to go. I would stroke his sweaty forehead and say that there is no way I could possibly leave the side of my darling Sugar Daddy. I would start to weep. This is when I would look longingly down at my dress and then towards the promenade where the red carpet preparations would be taking place.

That would be his cue to do the chivalrous thing and tell me to go on without him. I would obviously refuse and tell him not to be so ridiculous, and that he was far more important that any red carpet Gala Ball. But he would insist. I would continue to refuse his generous offer. He would persist and say that I should go on without him, and that he would watch me on the plasma TV on the yacht. He would explain that it would make him the happiest man in the world to see Fanny Le Feck on an international red carpet.

In that case, how could I possibly say no?

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Fanny Le Feck is a fictional character

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(15) A Dilemma

Before I knew it we had arrived at Dublin airport. Althie had put her dress back on, although it had been a bit of a struggle. At one point she managed to get stuck with her legs knotted up in the air and flashed neighbouring drivers. We got a few beeps from some boy racers, who then decided it was great fun to travel adjacent to Althie's window... ALL the way to Dublin airport. Thank god I was able to hide behind the tinted windows in the back. Kev had passed out at this stage and was dribbling on the white leather seats.

I actually have no idea what Sahara sees in him. She must be mesmerised by all his bullshit about being one the richest businessmen in Ireland. The reality was far from it. Without his father subsiding his 'business meetings', which involved magnums of Bubbles and Jagerbombs, he wouldn't have two beans to rub together. It was all a ridiculous façade. She should see him for what he actually is, a dribbling drunk who is on an allowance from his Daddy. Sahara was so silly to have been taken in by it. She, of all people, should have taken a leaf out of my book, and found a collection of men with proper ching to spend on her.

My three Daddys are all minted, but Sugar Daddy is the most extravagant, and one thing is for sure, Fanny Le Feck deserves extravagance. He kept the Flying Palace on standby for me so that I can use it anytime I like. It beats travelling on a normal plane that's for sure. Also, Sugar Daddy always buys me new Skyhighs and treats me to Bubbles whenever I want. Plus, if I ever need a weekend break from my hectic schedule, he treats me. I always offer for Daddy or Step Daddy to pay, but he just says that all I need to do in return is love him. That is pretty easy really, because I love Skyhighs, the Flying Palace, Bubbles and my weekend breaks. So obviously I love him.

When we arrived at the airport we went through the special entrance and drove the Mas right up to the steps of the Flying Palace. Kev was still passed out on the seat next to me so I squirted some perfume in his face. He came around slowly and stumbled out of the Mas. I order him to carry the bags. Fanny Le Feck does not travel light and I also NEVER carry my luggage. That is what boys are for.

Although we were only going for a few days, I still needed to bring my three essential suitcases. One takes my wardrobe, one takes my makeup and one takes my hair products. I usually make sure that I bring at least four outfits for each day. I don't always wear them all, but it is handy to have something snazzy to change into every few hours. Normally it is sufficient just to change three times a day, you know for the wow factor, but I always have one more outfit on reserve in case it is necessary to do a fourth change.

My makeup and hair bags are also ultra important. As you know it normally takes me at least six hours to get ready to go out in public and I need my cans of fake tan, bottles of foundation, array of false eyelashes, clip-in hair extensions, rollers and plenty of bee-sting gloss for the puffy pout. It all takes up space you know.

Anyway, Kev lugged my bags up the back steps whilst Althie and I were escorted through the front door by the pilot. When I arrived in the Flying Palace there was an enormous bouquet of flowers placed on the four poster bed, and I squealed when I saw a card,

'To the most beautiful Fanny in the whole wide world'

I frowned. The most beautiful Fanny? What was Sugar Daddy talking about?  I am not just the most beautiful Fanny in the whole wide world, but I am the most beautiful ANYONE in the whole wide world. He was treading on thin ice with that remark but I continued to read his note. I'm sure he would redeem himself…he always did...

'I am very much looking forward to spending time with my Fanny.'

The gold handwriting sparkled on the card,

'I have been spending all week dreaming about you and I cannot wait for you to join me on the yacht in Monaco.'

Of course he was dreaming about me; I mean every man did.

'I hope you have arrived safely to the Flying Palace. I know you have bought a boy for butler duty and I sincerely hope that you won't be flying Mile High whilst on your way to meet me in Monaco. You are my beautiful Fanny, nobody else's.'

I felt warm and fuzzy inside, Sugar Daddy always called me beautiful. I know I am beautiful, but the more times I hear it the better.

'I have left you some oysters in the fridge. I also requested oyster chocolates and oyster scent for your beautiful bouquet of flowers. I hope you like them.'

Oh I love them Sugar Daddy.

'I have left you five pairs of Skyhighs next to the nude roman statue by the bed.'

Wow! Five! What had I done to deserve five pairs of my favourite shoes?  Sugar Daddy is amazing.

'I have also left you two magnums of your favourite Bubbles on the table next to the plasma screen. They are for you and your friend, so make sure that butler boy tops you up during the flight.'

I looked over at Kev, who had collapsed in the back corner of the Flying Palace on top of my suitcases. I might let Althie have one glass if she was lucky, but I certainly wouldn't be letting the drooling drunk anywhere near it.

I continued to read the note from my favourite Daddy,

'There is a reason I have left you so many treats this time my darling, beautiful, exquisite Fanny.'

I was about to burst with delight…I knew he would redeem himself.

'When I meet you in Monaco I want you to attend the Film Festival Gala Ball. It is the premiere red carpet event in Europe and I have bought us two tickets. I have been on the waitlist for these tickets for years and I want the most beautiful Fanny in the world on my arm.'

The film festival! In Monaco! Wow!! I couldn't believe my eyes. All the top international celebrities attend and now Fanny Le Feck could mingle with them! I was born for this. Not only would it be a wonderful event to go to, but it was also the perfect PR opportunity. I could tell all the Irish papers that I had been invited to this world famous Gala Ball and that the organisers had literally begged me to attend. It would show them all back home, if they were in any doubt, that I really am the most famous person the country has ever produced.

No one needed to know that Sugar Daddy had bought the tickets. I would leave that part out. After all it looked SO much better to be invited.

But now I was presented with a serious dilemma. If I went to the film festival with Sugar Daddy, then everyone would know that I was with him in Monaco. I wanted everyone, especially Sahara, to think I was there with Kev.

This needed some serious Fanny thought…

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Fanny Le Feck is a fictional character

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(Episode 14) The Big Exit

As I predicted, getting Kev to agree to accompany us on the Flying Palace was hardly a difficult task. After I had finished seducing the drunken slime ball, I decided it was time to make my grand exit. I stood up from the table on the roof top terrace and promptly toppled straight back down into my seat. The intoxicating fumes from Kev's breath had obviously made me a little tipsy as I had only sipped one glass of Bubbles. I suppose my super-tall skinny stilettos were also partly to blame.

Heels can be hard to manage. It is incredibly important to be the tallest, which is why I wear my Skyhighs. My Skyhighs are my own top secret trick! They are custom-made 10 inch stilettos, and I made Daddy buy the copyright so no one else can ever beat me at being the tallest. Sugar Daddy gets a new pair made for me every week. The only problem though, is that when I sit down I forget I am wearing them. So then when it is time to stand, I have to remember to balance myself before taking my first step. After a few Bubbles it is surprisingly easy to forget this, which can have disastrous effects. Luckily this time I fell back into the chair, not like Sahara, who dived nose-first off her stripper heels onto the bar in The Diamond Rose.

Anyway, thankfully no one saw my little stumble and it was time to make a second attempt at leaving The Manor. As I stood this time, a ray of sunlight beamed onto my one-of- a-kind- swarovski -crystal-low-cut-mini-dress.  People reached for their sunglasses once again as they were blinded by my beauty. I balanced myself before starting my big exit. I strutted towards the inside bar as if I was on an international catwalk, although I had to take dinky steps so as not to fall from my Skyhighs.  People were staring (as usual), and I knew tongues would be wagging at the sight of Sahara's boyfriend trailing behind me. I could almost feel the gossip in the air….

My exit is almost as important as my entrance. Everyone should know when Fanny Le Feck arrives, but everyone should know also when Fanny Le Feck leaves. After all, my departure signals the end of any worthy party. I flicked my long golden hair extensions and prepared to face my audience. I slunk into a seductive pose and placed one hand on my hip (the tea pot pose never fails). Just as I was puffing my pout, I caught Kev sitting at the back of the terrace downing a Jaegerbomb. I could not believe my eyes. How dare he choose to down one of those revolting concoctions instead of follow me out of The Manor? I had just offered him the chance of a life time. I was going to whisk him away in Sugar Daddy's private jet for a week in Monaco. Not only would he be flying Mile High with me, but I was planning for Althie to occupy him for most of the journey.  All of this and he had the nerve not to follow Fanny Le Feck's big exit? I was enraged by his cheekiness. I saw red, and before I could stop myself I yelled towards him at the top of my voice..."KEV!!"

The terrace fell silent. Someone dropped a fork. Someone else dropped their sunglasses. Another person chocked on their caviar, and the cougar in the centre of terrace burped on her Bubbles. Eventually, there was perfect silence and I cleared my throat.

In my deepest, huskiest voice I continued,

"Kevin darling…it's time to go…" I winked at the cross-eyed slimeball sitting at the back of the terrace. I clicked my fingers and Althie scuttled down the walkway. She grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him out of the chair.

He stumbled before slurring,

"Whereee are weeee going? Are we goingggg to The Fanny?" he burst out laughing at his own joke and his 'business friends' joined in. They knew who was picking up the tab for the magnum and Jaegers.

"Yes Kevin. Fanny awaits you." I rolled my eyes and flounced into the bar.

I looked out of the front window and to my horror I saw Pappo. God damn it! What was he still doing here? The whole point of my plan was that I would whisk Kev away and send The Daily Digest a pictured of us cosying up together on a yacht in Monaco. He was not about to burst my bubble and get a shot of me with the drunken slob falling out of The Manor. That is NOT how I wanted it to be. The Manor was nothing compared with Monaco.

I had to come up with a plan.

Althie. She would save the day.  She needed to streak. Then Pappo would follow her, which would leave the path clear for me to drag Kev into the Mas. I knew it would be no problem for Althie as she is a Nodel, so all she ever does is pose practically naked for pictures anyway. Going completely naked wouldn't be a big deal for her. I told her to strip, but she had to place a scarf over her face, that way no one would know who she was, and more importantly the papers wouldn't give her any column inches.

She stripped off and dashed out of the front door. The look on Pappo's face was priceless and he rushed after her, snapping away. Meanwhile I dragged drunken Kev out of The Manor and into the Mas. We hid behind the tinted windows whilst waiting for Althie. By the time she came around the corner of the Green she had done a full circuit and lost Pappo. Althie hopped into the front seat and we made our way to the Flying Palace.

Sugar Daddy had it on standby….

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Fanny Le Feck is a fictional character

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 (Episode 13) Luring Kev to the Flying Palace

 It was officially time to lure Kev to the Flying Palace. I knew he was easy game as we had been eye-fecking the night before in The Diamond Rose and I had stuck by the Golden Rule that 'men only want what they can't have', and dramatically flounced out of club right in the middle of an eye-feck.

Now was the perfect time to strike. Kev would be sitting on the roof top terrace of The Manor, enjoying the sun and topping up his alcohol levels with a few bottles of Bubbles. He would be with The Guys, and witch-face would be nowhere to be seen.

So I left Foxrock dressed to kill. Im not going to lie to you, I looked even more amazing than Fanny Le Feck herself! I turn heads anyway, but by wearing the one-of- a-kind- swarovski -crystal-low-cut-mini-dress, not only would heads turn, but mouths would drop and bumps would appear in trousers.

The housekeeper drove the Mas into town as I needed to make sure I had a lift later from The Manor to the Flying Palace. I gave her some ching from Step Daddy, and told her to amuse herself in Brown Thomas whilst I completed the next stage of my mission.

I took Althie with me. Dressing Althie was a bit of a dilemma. I mean she is a Nodel , so she is almost hot, but only almost hot because of her amazing personality which is what makes her a Nice Nodel rather than just a Nodel. Still, I didn't want her to turn ANY heads, but on the other hand I didn't want to look over-dressed. So I decided to pick out an old black dress that I had worn to my aunt's funeral. It sounds worse than it looked. It was knee length, but never fitted properly around my boobs, and considering Althie's were even smaller than mine I knew it wouldn't flatter her either.

We pulled up outside The Manor and Pappo was nowhere to be seen. I sent him a text,

'I'm here now…where the hell are you?'

I was so annoyed that he wasn't waiting outside. I mean this would be a big story…I was looking seriously hot, and it was the morning after the night before and I had a little surprise for him that would definitely hit the press big time.

Whenever I look hot I always want a picture taken, which is basically all the time. I hadn't gone to all this effort just for Kev and Sugar Daddy you know…I'm sure the GP would want to appreciate my dazzling look aswell.

I sighed and turned to Althie. She knew I was annoyed and Althie always makes me feel better,

"I mean like Oh My God, WHY is he not here? Some emergency must have happened. Seriously, there is nothing more important than getting a picture of you Fanny. Maybe his mother is dying or something…."

I decided to use the time wisely and apply another layer of my bee-sting lipgloss. After all it was crucial that my pout was at its puffiest for meeting Kev. I also applied another coat of mascara to my false eyelashes and backcombed both my real and clip in hair extensions. Then I went to apply some sparkling bronzer to my chest, and my heart nearly stopped.

OH. MY. GOD. My face froze.

"What on earth is wrong?" Althie asked,

I turned to her in a state of shock, "You are not going to believe this. I have forgotten my chicken fillets! OH. MY. GOD. What the hell am I going to do!" I stared at her in a state of panic. Then my eyes automatically worked their way down her to her chest. I looked back up at her, and she knew what to do.

Just as I was squashing the second of Althie's Chicken Fillets into my padded bra she let out a squeal,

"There he is! Why was he not waiting?" she sounded disgusted, "I mean you are The Fanny Le Feck and he nearly missed a photo opportunity that could pay his wages for a year!"

Althie was so right. But at least he was here. He started walking towards the Mas and I decided to sit tight and wait a little while before making my exit. Althie was confused by this but I told her to relax as I had a plan. He had nearly reached the car door before I had even opened it. I waited until he was right in the firing line, then I pushed the door open and spread my legs in an attempted to climb out of the white leather seat of the Mas. I opened my legs as wide as I could, and winked at Pappo…he froze and his mouth literally fell open before he started to snap away ferociously.

Well if Britney can do it. So can Fanny and that shot would certainly keep the papers ticking over nicely.

I breezed into The Manor with Althie in tow. The receptionist was blown away by how stunning I looked. I know she tells a lot of people that they look lovely, but when she says it to me I know that she actually means it.

We entered the bar and it fell silent. Perfect. Just the sort of reaction I expect. It just confirmed how amazing I looked. People started to whisper amongst themselves. Even better, I had managed to get them talking. Clearly they were just in awe of my amazing beauty.

First stop was to order a drink, so I signaled for the waiter's attention. I looked around and I could not believe the effect I had on people. The one-of- a-kind- swarovski -crystal-low-cut-mini-dress was really making an impact. The silence had lasted for longer than usual and people were still admiring me. I grew a little taller and puffed my pout out. The barman finally finished attending another table and rushed over to take my order. He lent towards my ear. I couldn't understand why, as he must know my order of, "Only the best Bubbles for Fanny", off by heart now.

 He whispered in my ear,

"Excuse me Madam Le Feck. I'm terribly sorry to have to mention this, and I would fix it myself, only I think it is slightly inappropriate. Er…erm…well...the back of your dress is hooked up slightly."

My cheeks flushed and I reached for the back of my skirt and I cringed even more. SLIGHTLY?? What was he on about?! It was hitched up over my bottom and I had been baring all! With no underwear in sight! What on earth had Althie been up to? She should have noticed this straight away.

Although I blushed at first, in the end I decided that the bar were extremely privileged to see Fanny Le Feck's bottom. Not even The Daily Digest had a picture of that… until tomorrow that is.

Kev wasn't in the main bar…which was a bit of a shame as to be honest, one sight of my bottom and he would have carried me to Dublin Airport to board the Flying Palace.

I rearranged my one-of-a-kind-low-cut- swarovski -crystal-mini-dress and collected my Bubbles from the bar and ventured towards the rooftop terrace. This was my chance to make a proper entrance. I could see a beam of sunlight in my pathway. I took a deep breath, stood tall, pushed my chest out and strode towards the pool of light. The rooftop terrace was heaving and people were deep in conversation until I stepped out. The whole place fell silent and every head turned. Then people reached for their sunglasses.

I looked across the terrace and saw Kev sitting at the far end. He was King Pin amongst a few of his 'business friends'. He leapt to his feet as soon as he saw me enter the terrace and waved me over to his table. I saw a magnum of Bubbles sitting proudly in front of him and duly accepted his invitation. This next wooing session had suddenly become far more appealing.

I tottered through the crowded terrace with Althie in tow. People raised their hands to their faces to shield their eyes from my sparkling beauty. It was probably the best entrance I had made in at least three days. It had the wow factor….but then I guess I AM the wow factor.

Kev pulled a chair up and I plonked myself down by his side. Althie had to ask around for a spare chair and in the end the waiter had to bring her one from the dungeon room where they keep the extra furniture, alongside the bins.

As soon as Kev kissed me on the cheek I knew that he wouldn't need much persuading. He was absolutely polluted and smelt like a bottle of surgical spirit. He had been mixing White Duck Vodka with Bubbles and his eyes were drooping like a camel.

 "So Feck Le Fanny….you're looking pretty fecking hot!"

I rolled my eyes. This was exactly why I never gave Kev one single chance. His 'business friends' laughed at his pathetic attempt at a pun. Normally I would show him up by giving him the cold shoulder, but this time I had the revenge plan to think about.

"Oooo Kevin daring…doesn't THE Fanny always look fecking hot?" I lifted my hand towards his chest and started twiddling his shirt button with my acrylics. As usual Kev had his shirt buttoned down as low as possible so I let my hand creep up towards his gross pubic chest hair and stroked a wiry strand with my fingertips.

He leered at me and his droopy eyes homed in on my one-of- a-kind- swarovski -crystal-low-cut-mini-dress. He was about as subtle as Sugar Daddy.

"So what's The Fanny up to today?" His hand reached for my legs which looked irresistibly golden after three cans of instant tan (yes I had decided that three were needed for daylight). He placed his hand on my thigh.

"Nothing much Kevin, I just thought I'd pop by." I stared him in the eye and puffed out my puffy pout.

"What...The Fanny is doing nothing? Absoluttelllyy nothinggg?" he slurred as his hands started to creep up my inner thigh.

"Well more to the point Kevin darling", I leant in closer towards his camel eyes and pushed the chicken fillets upwards with the sides of my arms, so my cleavage was positively blooming. "What are you up to?" I fluttered my false eyelashes and twiddled a hair extension around my little finger.

"I'm just having a businessss meetttingg," he slurred.

Again another reason I never gave the slime ball a single chance. A 'business meeting' after a case of Bubbles and White Duck Vodka…I don't think so. The only 'business meeting' he was having involved discussing how to spend his Daddy's next pay cheque.

"Oh right. That's a shame." I casually started to eye up one of his 'business friends'. He clenched my thigh to regain my attention...so predictable.

"Why? Has The Fanny got a better idea?"

"Hum now let me think…. No not really." I turned back towards him and stroked his chest hair again, "Although, come to think of it, I was considering popping to Monaco this evening."

He laughed momentarily before realising who he was talking to.

I continued "You know what Kev? Althie and I have to fly alone and we hate flying alone." I put on a helpless expression, exaggerated by my false eyelashes, "We just never feel safe when there isn't a big strong man around to protect us." I continued to stroke his pubic chest hair, "I wonder if there is anyone who would accompany us. I mean it should be a pleasant enough trip as we are going on the jet... and Monaco is rather lovely."

He started thinking. It was like watching a clock get stuck… Tickkkk, Tickkkkk, Tickkk....nearly there....tickkkk....then it finally came....TOCK!

"Well I could accompany you ladies if you need protecting." He stared longingly towards the chicken fillets. I smiled and pulled away. I raised a glass of Bubbles to my mouth and seductively took a sip through my puffy pout whilst staring at the drunken slob before me,

"But Kev…" I fluttered my eyelashes again, "You're busy in a 'business meeting' aren't you?"

"Pahhh that can wait….business can always wait for The Fanny." He was mesmerised by the one-of- a-kind-swarovski-crystal-low-cut-mini-dress.

"But what about your lovely girlfriend Sahara, won't she mind?" I asked innocently.

"Sahara?" His hand began to work its way further up my dress. He looked me in the eye, winked and tightened his grip on my inner thigh, "Who's she?"

Stage 2 complete.

Stay tuned for more of Fanny Le Feck's inspiring musings on The Golden Pedal.

Fanny Le Feck is a fictional character

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 The Golden Pedal

 (12) Getting my sparkle on

 I left the Diamond Rose that night feeling excited at the prospect of putting my revenge plan into action. Sahara had been parading Kev around the club as if he were a top Hollywood star. He was FAR from that, and the pretence was enough to make anyone sick.

She had spent much of the night downing Jaegerbombs, and her Amazonian strut quickly became a disheveled stagger. At one point she was walking through the dance floor towards the bar for her sixth Jaeger of the night and she tripped on her pole-dancing stilettos and nearly knocked herself out as she plummeted towards the Guinness tap. Even the Nodels were looking up from the level below and giggling at the state of her. To be laughed at by a Nodel is the ultimate insult.

I had spent the evening preparing Kev to be lured into my trap and I knew he was well and truly wrapped around my little finger.

The slimy eejit had looked a little startled the first time I winked at him, but it wasn't long before he was stroking Sahara's butt whilst winking back at me. After all, how could he resist the advances of Fanny Le Feck?

It is very rare that I consider a boy fit enough for the Le Feck Boudoir and it is a real honor for anyone other than Sugar Daddy to get the nod of approval.

Men always want what they can't have. It's the golden rule. I had warmed Kev up with gentle flirting and spent most of the evening enticing him from a distance. So, my next move was to leave The Diamond Rose before him. When it got to 3am I applied a thick layer of my bee-sting lip gloss and my pout puffed out so much that it looked as though I had plugged it into mains. Perfect. I stood up from my throne and everyone's head turned, which always happens whenever I do anything. I glided towards the exit whilst Althie scrabbled around on the table picking up my accessories, before scuttling after me. As I got to the marble door I turned and caught Kev's eye, which wasn't hard as he was staring at me from across the room. He looked completely baffled as to why I had decided to take time out from our flirtatious eye-fecking. I posed seductively in the door frame before blowing him a kiss with my perfect puffy pout. I gave him a cheeky grin before clicking my fingers. Althie produced my sunglasses. I placed them over my eyes and waltzed out to the Mas, which was waiting outside.

The housekeeper was yawning in the driver's seat for some reason. God knows why she was tired as she had been sleeping in the Mas since she dropped me off! I had given her plenty of time for some shut-eye.

As soon as I got back to Foxrock I went straight to my bathroom and began removing my makeup. I have a collection of makeup wipes and use a combination of ten brands. It normally takes at least seven wipes to clear my skin and then I like to use three more to make completely sure it is spotless. After my cleansing session I made a beeline for the fridge. I opened the fridge door and it was full of Bubbles, lettuce and face cream. Mummy and I are currently on the Salad diet and thankfully there was a tiny morsel of cucumber hidden behind the leaves. I cut two thin slithers and placed them on my eyes and then I found a fresh pot of her most expensive anti-wrinkle cream. I wanted to look my very best when I completed the wooing stage of my revenge plan the next day. There was no way I would board the Flying Palace with Kev and have puffy eyes; I was going to look perfect.

After my evening preparations were complete Althie and I went to the Le Feck Boudoir. The birds were starting to sing from outside so we activated the sound proof shutters. Althie is the only person with 24 hour access to the Le Feck Boudoir. She is so good because I hate alarms, so she sets her phone to vibrate in the morning under her pillow to wake herself up, and then she wakes me up with a gentle sing song. I told her to wake me up at 8am as I needed 5 hours to get ready before venturing to The Manor to complete my wooing of Kev. Sahara wouldn't be anywhere near the place and after enough Bubbles Kev was sure to hotfoot it with me to the Flying Palace for a trip of a lifetime.

When morning came and Althie awoke me with her gentle singsong I began my preparations. I decided to begin with a nice warm bath so I told Althie to run it for me and fill it with my new Oyster scented bath salts. Apparently they make you smell really sexy to men. I love my bath; it is a huge, white stand alone tub which is placed in the middle of my en-suite bathroom. The walls are all mirrored so I can admire myself whilst relaxing in the warm water. Although I hate the way the water always turns brown as soon as I get in.

Once I was out of the bath I dried myself before starting my moisturizing routine. I always use Mummy's most expensive anti-wrinkle face cream ALL over my body. I don't get why anyone would just use it on their face? I mean why on earth would you want a smooth face but chicken-neck skin on the rest of your body?

To be honest, I'm not sure I will ever get wrinkles because I am Fanny Le Feck, but just in case I used the whole tub of anti-wrinkle cream before starting my fake tan. Mummy always goes mad at me for using my instant spray tan because our towels are pristine white and they end up looking as though someone has thrown them into a pond. I had three cans on stand-by for my self tanning session. I normally only use two and a half cans before I go out on a night out, but it is handy to have an extra one spare just in case. Plus it was going to be daylight when I wooed Kev, so I might need to go for a darker colour than the night before.

By the time I had finished my body preparations I only had three hours left before I had to venture to The Manor. I would be pushed to do my hair and make up on my own in three hours, as it normally takes half a day, so I got Althie to put the rollers into my hair whilst I started packing on my base layers.

Thank god fake is in as it really helps speed up the 'getting ready' process. My proper hair extensions had a lot of volume after using the rollers, but big is always best when it comes to hair so I decided to add a couple of extra layers of clip in extensions to make sure I had a proper bouffant. I chose eyelashes from my collection which fanned out at the side and made my own eyes look enormous.

My skin, hair and eyes looked amazing and I used my magical bee-sting lip gloss at ten minute intervals whilst doing my makeup to make sure my puffy pout was as permanent as possible.

Picking out an outfit was the hardest part. I wanted to look seriously sexy. Not only did I have to successfully lure Kev to the Flying Palace, but I needed to look irresistible to Sugar Daddy when I landed in Monaco to ensure he would give me the special treatment. My outfit needed to be classy, appropriate for lunch, but also have the wow factor. I went for a low cut, one-off Swarovski crystal mini dress. It was one of my Summer presents from Daddy.

When I was finally ready for the next phase of my mission, I posed in the driveway and made Althie take a picture of me. It was a really sunny day and she said I looked amazing (as usual), but when I looked at the digital camera all I saw was ball of light. The dress sparkled so much the flash had bounced back off it. Althie did say it was a spectacular sight though.

And spectacular is just how I needed to look for the day ahead...

Stay tuned for more of Fanny Le Feck's inspiring musings on The Golden Pedal.

Fanny Le Feck is a fictional character

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(11) Hatching a revenge plan

To punish Sahara for stealing my limelight I knew I had to hit her where it hurts…right smack bang on her ego. She may have made the headlines by dying her hair black, but normally the only way she worms her way into the papers is by waffling on about the intimate details of her love life.

I mean how tacky is that? 

I talk to the papers, but I am incredibly selective about what I say. I only talk about really interesting things like my views on current affairs. After all, everyone wants to hear Fanny Le Feck's political opinion and its super important that I sound intelligent, which is why I did my Arts degree.

Sahara on the other hand is quite happy to blab on about anything and everything, ESPECIALLY if it involves Kev. Nothing annoys me more than someone thinking that for some bizarre, crazed reason they deserve more press coverage than me. I am the ONE and ONLY Fanny Le Feck and nobody will ever be as famous as me. It was time to cut Sahara's tabloid umbilical cord and bring her back down to earth with a bang.

Kev was the ideal target. Not only will I have pinched the Miss Beach Goddess Crown from her, but I will also have stolen the love of her life. Ha! It couldn't be more perfect and the ultimate revenge for attempting to upstage Fanny Le Feck. 

To be honest, getting my own back would be quite an easy mission. Firstly, Kev is obviously still gutted about my endless rejections and every single time I turned him down he came back for more…and he still would now.

Secondly, Kev loves ching, so luring him away from that penniless, gold-digging witch was hardly going to be a difficult task. After all, I reign supreme on the ching front.

Thanks to Daddy, Step Daddy and Sugar Daddy my trust fund is large enough to rescue Ireland from Recession. I would never share my ching though as the whole point of being rich is that you have earned it yourself. I earned mine by being so beautiful that people just love giving it to me.

Getting revenge on Sahara was going to be fun. I wanted to do it in such a way that she would be publically humiliated and would never be able to show her face again. It was going to be splashed all over the papers that Sahara's man had left her for me. 

I started scheming….

Daddy loves boats and he has a big, shiny yacht in Monaco. Every summer I fly down to the yacht to drink Bubbles whilst attending the film festival. There is nothing nicer than relaxing in the sun with the likes of Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise as neighbours on the water.

This year I was ultra excited because Sugar Daddy was going to fly me down in his private jet on a Sunday evening. Sugar Daddy's private jet is amazing. It is like a flying palace. It is open plan, with red velvet interior and gold furniture. The walls are covered with super expensive paintings; Sugar Daddy loves nude art. There are enormous gold sculptures of naked Romans positioned in each corner and a gold cinema screen on the front wall. A magnificent four poster bed is positioned against the back wall and draped with gold silk sheets. I love lying on the bed because the ceiling is one big mirror and it means I can spend the whole flight looking at myself.

Sugar Daddy calls the Flying Palace, 'Mile High Heaven'. 

As part of my revenge plan I was going to lure Kev away from Sahara by offering him a trip in the Flying Palace to Monaco. He wouldn't be able to resist it. Jetting down to the South of France with me and all my ching would be his idea of heaven. Mile High Heaven! 

I put the wheels in motion by ringing Sugar Daddy to check it was ok that Kev came with me to Monaco. Sugar Daddy was thrilled because the butler had been taken ill so Kev would be the perfect replacement. Sugar Daddy loves me having the occasional boy to play with, and if they come in useful then that is even better.

So the next step was to persuade Kev. 

It was Sunday morning and I had seen Witch-face and Kev out in The Diamond Rose the night before. When I pulled up outside, I saw her parading him in front of Pappo at the entrance. She was wearing a ridiculously short white dress and resembled a Nodel. There was so much instant tan on her legs it was as though she had been rolling around in a dust bath. Her false eyelashes were ridiculously long and when she turned to the side it looked as though tarantulas were stuck to her eyes. She had decided to clip in long, black hair extensions that fell just above her bum. They would have been better suited to a drag queen, and her stilettos were so high and pointed that she had obviously borrowed them from a pole dancer.

The sight of her made my stomach turn.

I was absolutely fuming when I saw Pappo taking pictures of her. She clearly looked a complete state and I was surprised his lens didn't crack when he took the first shot. I sat in the back of the Mas and tapped my nail extensions impatiently on the seat whilst waiting for her to go inside. The coast always has to be clear for my grand entrance, and I certainly won't be photographed anywhere near her.

When I got out of the Mas, Pappo immediately started snapping away at my amazing diamond encrusted jumpsuit. I gave a beaming smile for the flash but as soon as he stopped snapping I glared at him. I marched over to his side and gave him a €500 note. I whispered firmly in his ear that he was not to give those disgusting pictures he had just taken of Sahara to one single newspaper, and if he wanted more ching then he should ring Daddy.

I turned and waltzed through the white marble door of The Diamond Rose and was ushered to my throne. A magnum of my favourite Bubbles was immediately sent over and I proceeded to watch Sahara staggering around the place on the arm of Kev. She didn't take her mitts off him all night.

I made sure to soften him up a little though. I flashed him the odd cheeky smile and occasional wink when she wasn't looking, but this was not the time to pounce.

You see Kev parties every Saturday night, but without failure he ventures to The Manor on Sunday for afternoon Bubbles. Kev's life is all about drinking and he loves topping up his system the next day. Sahara is never in The Manor on Sunday as it's a 'Boys Only Day'.

The perfect time for me to strike…

Stay tuned for more of Fanny Le Feck's inspiring musings on The Golden Pedal.

Fanny Le Feck is a fictional character

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(10) Boys

I was absolutely raging about that witch Sahara dying her hair black. It was so obviously a publicity stunt. I was so mad that she had upstaged me I even considered doing a Britney and shaving my head. That would surely wipe her ugly mush from the papers and put Fanny Le Feck back on the front page, where she should be. I would look hot with the shaved look, not like Britney.

I wasn't only mad at Sahara; I was also fuming with Pappo. I mean I pay his wages and how dare he decide to put her on the front page of www.celebrity.ie. Sahara has nowhere near as much money as Daddy or Step Daddy so how could she possibly have persuaded him to have run her picture?

Then it dawned on me.

The sly little witch was obviously having a fling with him! It was the ONLY logical reason that he would ever consider putting her on the website instead of me. I mean Pappo loves money, but he loves women even more. You can't blame him for that. Maybe I should have offered him sex instead of Daddy's money…

That witch Sahara cannot cope with being pushed off her little pedestal and replaced by someone a million times hotter and, more importantly, years younger. I know all about her jealous attitude thanks to VBF and number one spy Althie.

Althie says it literally drives her crazy that I am in the papers all the time and have become the new queen of celebrity.ie. Still, that is no excuse for her to launch a counterattack…she should just admit defeat, after all she is NEVER going to win when up against Fanny Le Feck. I would make sure of that.

So Sahara, or witch-face as I have christened her, has a boyfriend. I know can you believe it?! I mean who in their right mind would ever date her. Anyway, even though she has a boyfriend she is also a complete slut. Ewww that word is so grose and I actually would never ever use it to describe anyone. Except her that is - because she is one.

She dates this guy called Kev.

Kev is an interesting one really. He is hot but also a little bit creepy because what you see is NOT what you get. He has really dark hair which is almost black, so now the two of them match perfectly. He is a businessman; well that is what he calls himself anyway. The thing is, he never actually does any business apart from transferring pocket money from his Daddy's account into his own, which is fine if you are a girl, and fine if you are young, but he is thirty now!

He goes around Dublin as if he is king of the city, flashing his cash to every potential conquest and gabbling on about sealing all these important business deals and being under gigantic pressure. Nodels ALWAYS fall for it.

The Nodels, especially the Gold-Digging Nodels, would be better advised to skip the weak link and hook up with his dad…at least he has the proper ching.

Anyway, he was chasing me for ages and when I turned him down for the hundredth time he eventually decided to admit defeat and lower, and I mean LOWER, his standards. So he moved onto witch-face. But I know I still have control over him. It's always the same when men accept second best, so ultimately I have an ace card to play. If she thinks she can get away with stealing my limelight by taking up even one more word of The Daily Digest, she has another thing coming.

She needs warning off good and proper. I suppose it is a bit like marking territory. Dogs cock their legs on trees, so I'm going to cock my leg on Sahara. Well not literally, but you know what I mean.

She thinks she is all loved up? Well not only do I now know about her affair with Pappo, but I am single, and more importantly I am obviously still Kev's one and only. One click of my fingers and he would come running back. It is like a footballer being offered a transfer from league two to the premiership.

Witch-face is always waffling to the media about her and Kev in a desperate attempt to get any press, and her picture in The Daily Digest. She blabbed on about them moving in together, and then she gave an exclusive interview about how she was thinking about getting married, although it wasn't very exclusive as it ended up in every paper. Then she decided marriage is way too old fashioned and voiced her opinion on that, before a supposed pregnancy scare. After which she reached a real low point. She dished the dirt about her sex life with Kev, AND she posed for pictures to illustrate 'position of the month'. Can you believe it? I'm telling you the girl would do anything for fame…and Kev loves it as it makes him feel even more important than he already thinks he is.

Meanwhile I, and the whole of Dublin for that matter, was just so bored.com by her desperate attempts at publicity. That is beside the point because until The Hair Incident I was always on the front page on the newspapers, or at very worst page three, and she was always on page thirty-three. The day she really wound me up was when she took a front page slot and the main feature on celebrity.ie AND relegated my amazing presscall photos. That was just one step too far and I was going to rock her and Kev's little love boat good and proper, then there would be no more blabbing to the papers about her ridiculous relationship.

As I said I am single…only when it is convenient that is. Unless there is someone in The Diamond Rose who is ultra-famous then I am always considered 'taken', but that is mainly because I am out of everyone's league. If a superstar rock band walked in then I would of course be single.

Men are important in life, but only really to pay for things. That is probably the ONLY thing Sahara and I agree on.

That is why I have Daddy, Step Daddy and Sugar Daddy.

Sugar is such a gentleman and I gave him that nickname as Herbert Bronkson is so not a cool name. Although he is a bucking bronco in the bedroom that's for sure!

He is a sexy, silver fox and I've always had a thing for mature men and their matured assets. Sugar loves having me on his arm. And I love having him buy me really expensive designer shoes. The best thing about Sugar is that he doesn't mind me having the odd fling with young boys as he knows I will always go back to him as he has life insurance, sorry I mean life savings, that will support my designer shoe fetish forever. I think it's great that he lets me have some fun with the young boys. Although one thing for sure, it's not great for Sahara. As she will soon find out…

Stay tuned for more of Fanny Le Feck's inspiring musings on The Golden Pedal.

Fanny Le Feck is a fictional character

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(9) Sahara goes black

So there are a few reasons that Sahara and I don't get along. The main reason is because she is incredibly jealous of me…and who wouldn't be. I am the most famous model in Ireland. Sahara used to be the most famous model in Ireland though and some people say that Sahara and I look alike. This is so not true because I am obviously so much better looking than her. The only reason people say we look alike is because we both used to have blonde hair but that all changed one day…

Althie is not just my VBF but she is also my number one spy. She is always skulking around finding out all the goss for me and one day she saw Sahara strutting past The Manor on Stephen's Green. As usual, she was wearing minuscule denim shorts and her long blonde extensions were flowing down her back. She had some large aviator gold-trimmed sunglasses covering most of her face... thank god.

There were some young girls on the opposite side of the road and when they spotted her strutting past, they starting shouting in her direction,

"Oh my God guys!! Look who it is!! It's Fanny Le Feck!" They took out their camera phones and ran across the road towards her.

Well…as you can imagine…Sahara's Amazonian limbs stopped dead in their tracks.

Althie said it was hilarious and apparently Sahara went bright red with rage. The girls ran up and started taking pictures of her, at which point Sahara lifted her glasses, and at the top of her voice screeched, "Who do you think I am??' The girls were startled before she continued, "Do you not know who I am???"

Althie said she was so mortified to have been mistaken for me that she stormed off down the street. To be honest, I am the one who should be mortified as there is no way I should ever be mistaken for her because I am just so much better than her.

Anyway, this saga happened a few weeks after I had won Miss Beach Goddess Ireland. At this stage I was officially the queen of the papers and www.celebrity.ie. The talk on the Dublin scene was that Sahara was positively fuming that I had stolen her crown.

The next day I was doing my morning stalking session on the internet. You see, the first thing I always do when I wake up is Google my name to find out what has been written about me. People are always commenting about me and I love reading what they say…especially when they talk about how "stunning" and "amazing" I am.

I don't just Google my own name though, I also Google Sahara's. After all, it is important to check out the competition, even if they will never do any better. That morning, to my absolute astonishment, I found that Sahara had been given the lead headline on www.celebrity.ie. Well I was FUMING about this.

As I said before, I have Pappo on speed dial and Pappo always tells me that I am the only celebrity in his phonebook…and he promised it would stay that way because I made Daddy pay him to be my exclusive photographer. When I saw Sahara's picture on the front page of the website I was fuming. You know what made it worse? She had died her hair black! Yes BLACK of all colours! I suppose it fits perfectly with her witch-like personality.

The headline ran, 'Sahara goes black!' What the hell…three words?! This made me even more livid as the shorter the headline on www.celebrity.ie, the more famous you are as it means Pappo doesn't have to explain who you are.

I looked at all the comments and God forbid there were nice ones…NICE ones! I could not believe my eyes! Nobody EVER gets nice comments on www.celebrity.ie. So straight away I decided to put a nasty comment on the page under my alias online name, Famous Model.

 'There is nothing that Z-lister Sahara could do to make her look remotely hot.'

 I felt better already. But the worst was still to come.

I had done a presscall the day before to launch a shopping centre. It was going to hit really well in the papers because I looked amazing in the pictures. After my early morning internet session, I put my Juicy Trackie on and hopped into the Mas and cruised down to the local shop to buy the papers. Again, I have to do this everyday. Although you guys might think it is really cool being in the papers all the time, it actually gets quite tiring having to check them each morning. I have to buy every single newspaper, every single day to look at pictures and articles about me.

I HAVE to be in the papers all the time. If a day passes without a picture or news story about Fanny Le Feck then I email a journalist some snippet from my life. After all, it is important to keep people interested in me. That isn't hard though…I just give them interesting information like telling them who I was hanging out with in The Diamond Rose. I also love to talk about all the exciting projects I am working on and my next holiday abroad. It is a tough life being Fanny Le Feck.

So I pulled up outside the shop and ran into collect my bundle of papers. The guy behind the counter always keeps a collection of papers for me every morning so I don't have to bend over and pick up each single one. The Daily Digest was on top and I nearly had a heart attack when I saw the front page. A huge picture of Sahara was splashed across half of the paper and a heavy bold headline read, "Sahara is black with a bang!"

Well at least it was six words and not three.

I grabbed the bundle of papers and hopped back into the Mas. I untied the string binding them together and my blood ran cold. She was on the front page of EVERY single paper and my presscall had only featured in the free paper!

How dare she steal my limelight…I would make her pay for this…

Stay tuned for more of Fanny Le Feck's inspiring musings on The Golden Pedal.

Fanny Le Feck is a fictional character

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(8) www.celebrity.ie

 It was clear from the very first day we met, Sahara and I would NEVER get on. She is like a Nodel in the way that she thinks she is amazingly gorgeous. But the big problem with her is, and it makes me shudder to say this, she is actually OK looking. And I mean OK looking…nothing special, just OK. Obviously she is not as hot as me!

Sahara is so jealous of me especially after I took the Miss Beach Goddess crown off her. Not only was her picture replaced by mine on the front page of the Aces website, but all the PR Ladies want to book me for presscalls, all the boys want to be seen with me, everyone wants to take pictures of me, the Daily Digest are only interested in writing about me, and all the comments on www.celebrity.ie only every talk about me. She is soooo last season.

I haven't told you about www.celebrity.ie. Well basically it is this website in Ireland which all the famous people are pictured on. If you are not pictured on www.celebrity.ie then you are just so not famous. There is this one photographer from the website called Pappo, who is always outside The Diamond Rose on a Friday and Saturday night.

It is so funny watching all the Nodels walk into the club past Pappo. They always wear the shortest and tightest dresses, no matter what time of year it is. They pull up outside The Diamond Rose in a taxi, open the door and make their entrance onto the pavement. They stand on their tip toes in their highest heels and flick their hair whilst looking out for Pappo. As soon as they spot him, they push their boobs out and totter towards the club. They totter so slowly, it is actually painful to watch. They seem to think that the slower they totter, the more likely it is that Pappo will ask them for a picture.

Once they are within five feet of the entrance of The Diamond Rose they conveniently drop their keys on the floor. They don't just pick them up…oh no, they turn around so their bum is facing Pappo and then seductively reach down towards the pavement. By this stage Pappo's forehead is usually damp, and drool is starting to froth at the side of his mouth. Then he gives in to his manly instincts and asks them to pose for a picture. He normally takes about three pictures of each Nodel, but what the Nodel's don't realise is that only one of these pictures includes their face.

Of course they are absolutely beside themselves when they get snapped because they love being on www.celebrity.ie

I never have to use any of these tactics to be snapped by Pappo. For a start I am one step ahead of the game and I have him on speed dial. I always let him know if I am going out. After all being snapped partying is very important if you want to be written about in The Daily Digest. I would never just turn up to a nightclub without telling him. I mean I would just die if there was not a photographer outside to take my picture. So I always text him early on in the evening and give him my approximate time of arrival. Then all I have to do is step out of my car and waltz up to the entrance and he will snap away.

I know how to play the game better than anyone.

The Nodels think it is ok to arrive in a taxi…well that is a big no no for me. I have to arrive in my Maserati. That means Pappo will always get a good picture for the papers. I mean who wants to see someone arrive in a Taxi when you have a slick set of wheels like mine?

I never drive mind you. Thankfully Mummy has a 24 hour housekeeper and Daddy pays for her to be insured on my car so I can always get a lift. Daddy says I should never drink bubbles unless I have a lift…so I always get a lift.

Another tactic is that I never look like I want to have my picture taken. The key is to let Pappo come to me. I cringe at the Nodels who flash him a bit of leg in exchange for a shot…but then I suppose they have to do this as not everyone is as famous as Fanny Le Feck.

I always pose for Pappo. That is my golden rule. I mean the only people who don't pose for Pappo are people like Sahara, and that is because she is just the biggest diva ever…and so last season.

When I pose for Pappo on a Saturday night I always go straight online the next morning to see if my picture is on www.celebrity.ie

I always have the top picture on www.celebrity.ie AND the main headline…but then again I am Fanny Le Feck, and obviously people just want to read about me.

The thing about www.celebrity.ie is that all the posters right nasty comments, but you know why this is? It's because they wish they were as famous as me and on the website themselves. Nodels always go on the site and write mean things about me, but then if I saw someone else as famous as Fanny Le Feck on the website then I would write mean comments as well.

Mind you, that would never happen because no-one is as famous as Fanny Le Feck.

 Stay tuned for more of Fanny Le Feck's inspiring musings on The Golden Pedal.

Fanny Le Feck is a fictional character

 (7) Sahara

So WHERE do I start with Sahara? Urghh even writing her name makes me feel queasy. I'm not going to beat around the bush; Sahara and I do not get along…and we NEVER will.

As I said before she was the previous Miss Beach Goddess Ireland, but the big difference between Sahara and I is that she went to the world finals and came last, whereas I went to the world finals and won…obviously!

The first day I met Sahara, I took an instant dislike to her. We were both booked to do a presscall at the bottom of Grafton Street where she had to officially hand over her crown to me. She hadn't been able to attend the pageant the night before because she was busy at some other launch enjoying her last ounce of fame as Miss Beach Goddess Ireland.

You know what though? I hate to say it but before I met her, I was actually really excited about seeing her for the first time. After all she was, and I mean WAS, the top model in Aces.

That is until they replaced her picture on the front of the website with mine. I have to say my picture looks so much better, and I'm not just saying that because we don't get along. My pictures are simply the best. 

The first time I met Sahara was after my presscall with Althie. I wandered down Grafton Street with my new VBF and we waited outside Brown Thomas to meet the PR Lady, photographer and Sahara. The PR Lady and the photographer were on time but we waited about half an hour for Sahara to arrive. Then suddenly Althie nudged me and whispered in my ear, "Here she comes…"

I turned to my right and sure enough Sahara was making her big entrance. She was striding down the middle of Grafton Street in the most miniscule denim hot pants you have ever seen. Most people's legs would look like tree trunks, but not hers, she looked like some Amazonian queen. Her bronzed legs went on forever and her toned muscles flexed with every stride. She was wearing a crop top which revealed her stomach and her long golden locks were flowing down her back.

I was actually shocked the first time I saw her. My heart skipped a beat. For a fleeting second I thought that by some freak of nature there might possibly be someone more beautiful than me on this planet… shock horror!

As she strutted down Grafton Street the crowds parted and every single person turned their head. People were looking at her in awe and pointing out that it was Sahara, and a group of young boys even started filming her on their iPhones.

I have to admit, and I really don't like admitting this, for the FIRST and very LAST time in my life, I did feel a tiny flicker of jealousy. But then I remembered that this really was her final moment of glory before handing over the crown to me. Not forgetting that I am just so much better than her anyway.

She was wearing the most enormous bug-like sunglasses and powered towards the photographer who immediately began snapping away at her entrance. I was actually so mad about this. I mean he hadn't started snapping away at Althie and I, and I was the new Miss Beach Goddess NOT Sahara!

Sahara lifted her arm and gave the camera a little wave before heading towards the PR Lady. She opened her arms and gave her a huge hug and kiss. Then she proceeded to tell the PR Lady how happy she was to see her and how fantastic she looked in the gorgeous orange dress that she was wearing. In actual fact, the PR Lady looked wrecked and was wearing a hideously frumpy garment that made her look like a pumpkin. However, she was now positively bursting with pride after being complemented by the Amazonian Aces queen.

Sahara then turned to Althie, "Wow look at you hot stuff! How's work? Have you been busy?"

Althie's cheeks flashed bright red at the shock of being recognised as a colleague by Sahara. She started to stutter an answer before the PR Lady interrupted,

"Sahara, thank you so much for coming today, I know you have such a busy schedule and this presscall is probably the last thing you want to be doing. Anyway let me introduce you to our new Miss Beach Goddess Ireland"

They turned to face me, "This is Fanny Le Feck." 

I flashed my biggest grin and waited patiently for her welcome. I was delighted when Sahara lent towards me for a customary kiss on the cheek. To be honest, I was a little surprised that she was going to be so friendly. I mean after all she should be threatened by Fanny Le Feck. I'm younger, prettier and just SO much better than her. As she lent towards me to kiss me on the cheek, I did the same. I waited for her lips to brush the side of my face. When they didn't, I lent even further forward, lost my balance and managed to plant my nose straight on the top of her boob. She raised her sunglasses, peered down at me and winked,

"Gosh darling, no need to get so excited about an air kiss!"

Well I was RAGING and that was only the start of my feud with Sahara…

Next time on The Golden Pedal: www.celebrity.ie

Fanny Le Feck is a fictional character

   The Golden Pedal

(6) Mummy and Daddy

So I suppose I haven't told you much about Mummy and Daddy. Well to cut a long story short they are divorced, and THANK GOD because it means now I have double the amount of money spent on me. Mummy is gorgeous…she was a model in her day, which is why she was just beside herself when I told her that I wanted the same career, "Darling you should use your looks to get everywhere and everything you want in life."

She is right, I mean if you are as beautiful as me then it is easy to become a supermodel and earn lots of money for simply looking good. Not only that but it means you get invited to all the best parties and hang out with all the cool people. Mummy did exactly that when she was younger and just happened to bump into Daddy, who owns an oil rig.

I never really like to say what Daddy does though. I think the sound of working with oil is quite hideous, I mean it is disgusting smelly stuff and also terribly ugly. But it does mean that he can buy me all the latest designer goodies, even the exclusive items. Plus I get to drive around in a brand new Maserati which always turns heads, but only because I am in the front seat of course.

So Mummy is now remarried to this guy called Philippe who owns a perfumery in the South of France, thankfully he has no children as the last thing I would have wanted was to inherit is a Sister. Having a Step-Daddy who works in the perfume business is just fabulous and so much nicer than oil. Plus he also has as much money as Daddy, which is important as Fanny Le Feck can never have too much ching to spend!

I live with Mummy in Foxrock where Daddy built us a house when we were a family. I have to say, it is a seriously cool pad. You see Daddy loves to do everything on a big scale and there is this one road in Foxrock where all the millionaires live. So of course Daddy wanted to be on this road. I mean there is no way he was going to build his house anywhere else. The trouble with the road is that it has quite a few mansions lining it and the size of your mansion basically indicates how rich you are. Now Daddy is quite competitive, and not only did he want a super big mansion, but he also wanted an enormous garden. So what he decided to do was buy the first four mansions on the road, knock them down, knock their adjoining fences down, and build an estate. So not only do we live on the most expensive road in Foxrock, but we also clearly have THE most expensive house. Anyway when my parents divorced Daddy decided to build a new house in town, and guess what? As a sign of his new found bachelorism he decided to paint it gold! Cool hey?! Not only that but he named it after me, 'The Fanny Pad'. My dad is just awesome.

Daddy is not married and he is on the dating scene. Some people think it must be kind of weird for me to see him out and about with other ladies, but I don't mind as long as they are not as pretty as me. His latest one was a close call. She was five years older than me and one day Daddy and I were having lunch in The Manor, and she walked in.

He introduced us, "Fanny darling, I would like you to meet the most beautiful woman in the world." Well I nearly exploded! My face went bright red with anger and I flashed him AND her for that matter, my most evil look. I could not believe my ears!! Thankfully he corrected himself pretty quickly, "Well not as beautiful as you of course, but no one is Fanny. You're my little princess."

I still made him treat Althie (my VBF) and I to a weekend in an exclusive Spa. I mean we deserved all the most expensive treatments and pampering we could get, especially after he nearly dented my confidence for life. I mean how on earth could someone five years older than me even be considered beautiful? Let alone the most beautiful woman in the world.

Althie is so cool though and whilst we were sipping some bubbles by the pool at the Spa she made a list as to why someone old could never look as good as me: wrinkles, thinning hair, sagging boobs, sagging bottom…Althie's the best.

So, back to the day I first met Althie. We have been friends ever since we did that first photocall together. In fact that day we were actually launching the new VVVIP floor at The Diamond Rose, otherwise known as Heaven. Basically I had to stand on this beautiful white stool whilst dressed as a Greek goddess to tie in with my new title. Althie had to wear a white bikini and bow down before me, and there was a big banner next to us that was tied to the railings of Stephens Green. It read, 'Heaven - a place to worship the real VIP's'

The owner of The Diamond Rose was also at the photocall and he offered me a silver card which gave me exclusive membership. I asked if Althie could have one as well, but he just looked at her in her bikini and said, "You can bring her in on your card as it allows two guests."

I would have died if I had been Althie at that moment, and I felt really disappointed for her, but she looked thrilled at the chance of coming into Heaven as my guest so I guess it wasn't too bad. Althie works fulltime for Aces and she had nothing to do that afternoon so she decided to come along with me to my last presscall, which I had to do with my arch enemy Saharah...well WHERE do I start with her?

Next time on The Golden Pedal: Saharah

Fanny Le Feck is a fictional character